How To Practice Safe Sex
by cuethepulse-old
Summary: 8 steps on how to practice safe sex with your partner. A surefire way to satisfy the tension in any relationship. Yeah right. ZoSan.


Title: How To Practice Safe Sex  
Disclaimer: One Piece and its characters do not belong to me.  
A/N: Just so you know, I'm trying to promote unprotected sex or anything like that.

**1—Know yourself.**

You are a man—a man, because boys still cry when they scrape their knees, and a man, because boys like spiders, and you do not. You are well-dressed. You smoke, though you tried to quit, twice, because some girl down the line complained. You swear often and blame it on the shitty louts you grew up with. You cook. You are the greatest and nothing can stop your hands from creating a masterpiece. You have long legs and you use them well. You can kill a man. But you don't like to.

You appreciate beauty. In food, in dreams, in the sea. In women, girls, ladies, and other men. In many things. But not spiders.

You are in love. And it's nothing like you thought. It isn't like finding All Blue or learning humans can fly. It's more like breezes or a flawless pasta sauce. Nice, but not extraordinary. But you like it. It makes the long days of getting closer and closer but still not _there_ almost worthwhile.

**2—Know your partner.**

He is a man—a man, although he can be messy and foolish like a boy. He is the epitome of brute strength. He exercises daily, outside the galley window, so you can see him if you choose to look. He sweats a lot and he doesn't like to bathe before lunch.

He's gentlest when polishing his three swords. He cherishes them. They will make him the greatest in the world, someday. You often thought that swordplay was the only thing he held interest in, until he kissed you.

He sleeps often and snores loudly when he does. He gets lost easily and can't read signs or notices or love letters. Not that you would bother with love letters, anyway, because he wouldn't appreciate them. He'd rather spar with you on deck or drink with you in the Crow's Nest or grope you in the storage room.

**3—Make sure you're both prepared to take the next step.**

"No fucking way."

Zoro frowns at the back of the other man's head. He's cooking, so he won't even look at him, and Zoro can't be sure if he's kidding or not. But he gets the feeling that he isn't.

"Why not?"

"Because."

Zoro hates that word. He thinks it's the most unfair word in the world.

"That's not a reason."

Sanji's ignoring him now, favoring the hiss of the stove to the sound of his voice. Zoro crosses his arms over his chest and is silent for a moment, then says, "You're scared."

"The hell I am."

"You are." He sneers. "You're scared of sex."

"I am _not_ scared of sex," Sanji snaps.

"I bet you're a virgin."

Sanji tosses a piece of meat onto the pan and listens to it frying. He wishes it was Zoro's head. Because now he _has_ to do it.

"I'm not scared of sex," he says, completely passing over the virgin comment. "And I'll be happy to prove that to you."

"Sweet." And Sanji can't stand how victorious the swordsman sounds. Zoro stands and stretches, like he's just finished a long day's work, and leaves the galley after planting a moist kiss on Sanji's neck. Sanji hates him, and tries not to think about being deflowered by such an unsavory man. He fails miserably.

**4—Discuss your history with each other.**

"Why, exactly, is this necessary?"

"Because."

"You know I don't like that wo—"

"_Because _I don't know where you've been and I don't want to chance anything."

"Like what?"

"Viruses."

"Viruses?"

"Viruses, infections, diseases—don't laugh, dumbass, I'm being serious. You spent years going around being a bounty hunter, right? Who knows what kind of shit you were exposed to out there—"

"Oi, oi! What about you? All kinds of people came into that restaurant of yours, didn't they?"

"Yes, but I have more sense than you do."

"And that's why you're still a virgin."

"Shut up and tell me what I need to know."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…?"

"I don't know."

"You don't…know?"

"No. I mean, there was a girl, and a guy—well, two guys. But I don't know if they _had_ anything."

"…Of course you don't. Great."

"Look, it doesn't matter, okay?"

"Oh, but it does. Because I'm not putting myself at risk just so you can get laid. We'll just have to get tested."

"Tested? How are we--?"

"…"

"…Oh _hell_ no."

**5—If there is uncertainty, it's best to get tested and make sure.**

You are a reindeer. You are also a man. And there are some things that you understand, and some things that you do not. You understand enough about men and their bodies to know that this situation is very, very awkward.

You are a professional. So you are trying to ignore the fact that there are these two men and they are members of your crew, and they're embarrassed, and so are you. But you don't _really_ know what to do, because reindeers and men are very different and there are risks and things that they don't share.

And it doesn't help that they're stammering when they talk and can't seem to form complete sentences. And you don't know exactly what they want to ask, but you have an idea of what might be going on, what with the pink color that keeps growing darker on their cheeks. So you do what you can.

And when you present them with the lubricant that pink becomes a red and they seem to be choking on their own spit and before you know it, they've grabbed the bottle and they're gone.

**6—If you still decide to engage in sex with your partner, be sure to use protection.**

As much as Sanji put up a fight about letting Zoro screw him, if it's as nice as making out with the swordsman, he figures it could be worth a try. When they first started this relationship of sorts, Sanji hadn't hoped for much in the kissing department. He assumed Zoro would be as clumsy and uncoordinated as he was in everything else (with the exception of sword fighting), but he'd been pleasantly surprised.

Zoro's kisses are passionate. It's like he's in his own little competition. If he can make Sanji absolutely breathless within a certain amount of seconds, he wins. His kisses are driven. They involve a lot of tongue, but it's a tongue that knows what it's doing, warm and wet and skillfully tangling with Sanji's own. He knows when the pressure should be light, coaxing, teasing, and when it should be rough and bruising. He knows which spots are the most sensitive. Sanji's found that just the thought of kissing Zoro has more effect on his body than he'd ever imagined.

And this is why he's allowing his shirt to be unbuttoned while Zoro's kissing him and he doesn't pull away from that hard, pulsing _thing_ that's pressing and grinding into his thigh. This is why he slides his own hands underneath the swordsman's shirt, feeling out the chest and stomach that he's already memorized from days when Zoro's being all sexy and sweaty outside of the window; and this is why he doesn't protest when his belt is undone.

And then they're both very naked and the heaviness between their legs is very hot and the situation becomes very real and he's suddenly asking, "Condom?"

And Zoro looks at him. Just looks at him with this blank, stupid expression that makes Sanji want to kick him in the face. Or in the balls, which would actually make this whole situation easier to deal with. He sighs instead; it gets his point across.

"Dammit, cook," Zoro growls, frustrated, sharply pulling his pants back on. "Don't be such a fucking tease!"

The door slams and Sanji almost feels guilty. But he reminds himself that Zoro is stupid and probably deserves it ultimately, and he feels better.

**7—Abstain from sexual activities. Explore other, safe options to express affection for your partner.**

"There's nothing wrong with…holding…hands."

"…Just think about what you just said, will you?"

**8—The hell with it. Go ahead and shag like bunnies while your partner's still so hot for you.**

Sanji calls on Zoro to help him move something from the storage room. As soon as they're in there, he closes the door, takes Zoro's choppy green hair into his hands and kisses him. He frowns and speaks, irritated, against the swordsman's lips, "I'm sick of this. I'm tired of your sulking. Let's just do it."

Zoro is certainly _not_ about to complain. His eager hands feel out the warming body against him and groans when Sanji presses tighter into him.

"Just so you know," Sanji murmurs as he tongues at Zoro's earrings and feels a thrill as Zoro shudders, "if you give me a disease, I'll cut your dick off and choke you with it."


End file.
